Living with Cycles of Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are some of the most vulnerable feelings that show up regularly in therapy. When guilt is near, shame is never far away, and both can take hold of how we feel about ourselves as we navigate the world around us.
Despite how common they are, many of us feel isolated in our feelings. Guilt and shame are often felt in the dark and rarely aired out openly.
Acknowledging the Bigger Picture
Dealing with guilt and shame is an important topic for those of us that have been discriminated based on our identity. These feelings can be a byproduct of collective and systemic factors that trickle into a deep sense of rejection based on our existence.
For racialized folks shaped by generations of historical and systemic harm, shame can sit more deeply in a felt sense that's difficult to name, but can be felt in our body when certain spaces don't feel emotionally safe.
For many immigrant families, the weight of assimilating and surviving life a new country can bring about generational cycles of guilt and shame passed down through familial dynamics.
Understanding Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are feelings that show up when we've fallen short of' expectations. These expectations can come from cultural norms, gender norms, and social conditioning, that overtime become internalized into our own standards of ourselves.
For many of us from immigrant families, these feelings can be amplified by the desire to honour the sacrifices of our elders, and the pressure to fulfill family roles and expectations that may not always align with our own desires for our lives.
Guilt and shame can indicate the inner conflict between who you are and who you think you should be. One of the first steps toward working through these emotions is to give yourself permission to name and explore these feelings. Through deeper self-awareness, we can begin to process these feelings from a foundation of clarity and understanding.
Reframing the Story We Tell Ourselves
It’s normal to get stuck in cycles of self-blame when guilt and shame take hold. Thoughts like "I’m not good enough", "I'm a bad person" or "I’ve let everyone down" can become the default soundtrack in our mind.
What if you re-authored the story in your mind? Instead of seeing these emotions as evidence of failure, we can open our mind and self perception.
Reframing your perspective can help you focus on seeing life through a more empowered lens, instead of collapsing into spirals of negative self talk. When you begin to expand your view of yourself, you can start to move toward a kinder, more balanced view of yourself.
Recognizing Misplaced Guilt
Guilt can arise on the journey of healing and growth. This is especially common when we engage in boundary setting work. As we clarify our roles through boundary setting, some people may express disappointment and frustration. This is common with those that have benefitted from a less-boundaried version of you. If you struggle with people pleasing, this can be one of the most difficult yet valuable learning experiences to sit with.
The guilt that is felt due to others' unsavoury responses to valid and necessary boundaries is a kind of guilt known as misplaced guilt. It's okay to notice this and learn to sit with this, as you stay the course in reclaiming your agency.
Practicing Self-Compassion
Self-compassion may feel like a foreign concept if you're used to cycles of guilt and shame, but it’s one of the most powerful practices for resolving them.
How would you respond to a friend came to you feeling this way? Would you criticize them, or would you offer words of comfort and encouragement? Consider redirecting this compassion inward and offering that same care to yourself.
Self compassion is not a means to ignoring the past, instead it allows us to reach a level of self acceptance and grace, embracing what it means to be human and make so-called mistakes along the way. Self compassion is a practice, not a destination. It is a process of acknowledging that our worth isn't tied to perfection and external approval. Instead, we get to redefine our worth based on who we are as a human being.
Healing Generational Cycles
Working through guilt and shame takes time and a willingness to face uncomfortable emotions. But the process can bring incredible relief and lasting impacts to your relationships.
Personal healing can impact our lives for the better and ripple outwards to the people that we care about. By disrupting generational cycles of guilt and shame, you create potential for healthier, more loving relationships with yourself and those around you.
It’s a step toward generational change. When we lift out of these cycles, we can become more fully present and engaged in our lives.
If you’re ready to explore these emotions and find a way forward, I’m here to support you. Book a free consultation today, and let’s work together to lighten the emotional weight of guilt and shame.